What Real Love Means For Me

Last Saturday my parents had their 30th marriage anniversary. This made me think about them, their marriage and their love, and how I’ve seen their relationship through the years.

When I was seven or eight years old seeing my parents kissing was a nightmare. “Kisses are disgusting!” “Dad, do not kiss mom in public, please.” Any public demonstration of their love made me feel sick. I even hid when my parents kissed or said nice things to each other in public. My parents were just that, my parents. There was no way I could think about them as a couple.

As I started to grow up, I began to think that maybe love was not that disgusting. As a teenager I started watching terrible romantic movies with impossible, crazy, vampire love stories in them. My conception of love changed and I started thinking about it as something completely possessive. By that time I thought love was thinking about your partner 24/7, texting him all the time with romantic messages, buying flowers and chocolate for Valentine’s Day, and missing each other like crazy when you were apart. Basically I thought love was not being able to live without your partner.

I also started thinking about my parents’ relationship. Do they think about each other 24/7? Do they text each other romantic messages all the time? Do they buy flowers and chocolate for Valentine’s Day? Do they miss each other when they are not together?

I could not get these questions out of my mind, so one night, at the age of 12, when my mom and I were watching a movie (probably a romantic one), I asked her directly: “Mom, do you think about dad when you are not with him, do you miss him when you are apart?” Her reaction was quick; she started laughing and said “Of course not, Inés! That would be terrible! “

Wait, what?! So my mom doesn’t think about my dad 24/7? She doesn’t even think about him when she’s at work, without him? Does this mean that they are not in love, that they do not love each other? I was quite disappointed about my mom´s answer, and confused. I wanted my parents’ relationship to be romantic and beautiful because that is how love had to be for me at that time. But I was too worried about my own teen issues, so I stopped worrying about my parents’ relationship. Years later, when I was around fifteen, a lot of my friends´ parents started getting divorced. Most of my closest friends’ parents were either divorced, were in the process of getting a divorce, or were together but my friends confessed to me that they had huge fights every day, and that they didn’t love each other but they were too afraid to get a divorce. Wow, I thought, this is real drama!

This made me start to worry again about my parents. I really wanted to know if their love was real, if they love – with all that word means — each other. I was confused. I couldn’t figure it out. One day, one of my friends who used to spend a lot of time in my house and whose parents had been in a really complicated divorce, looked at me very seriously and said: “Inés, your parents love each other. They really do. Appreciate it because it’s not a common thing.“

Years later, I am proud to say that is true, and I laugh when I remember that question I asked my mom. I loved her answer because it was honest. And I think that probably is the key to their marriage.

My parents taught me what love means. One of the most important things they taught me was that you really need to love yourself before you start loving anyone else. I see how my mom loves my dad, but before that I see how she loves herself, how she cares for herself. This might sound easy, but I’ve realized this is one of the hardest things to do as a person. I am really working on that, but I still have a long way to go to get there.

Love also means respect. In all senses of the word. When my parents had their “bodas de plata” (25th anniversary), we had a big celebration with all the family, and my mom made a speech. She said: “We actually have a successful marriage because we’ve respected each other every minute.” I’ve never seen my parents trying to be above one another. Never. They’ve always worked as a team.

Obviously this doesn’t mean that they don’t fight, or that they have the perfect relationship. They do have fights, they get tired of each other, and they often need to have a weekend apart just for them to remember why they fell in love with each other in the first place. But they have never tried to hide this from each other or from my siblings and me.

I don’t feel ashamed anymore when I see my parents kissing (well, sometimes a little bit, too much “pasión”). I feel lucky. I feel thankful for growing up in a house full of healthy, honest and equal love. Because that is what real love means for me.